My New Sympathy for Mario

Earlier today I was playing Super Mario Brothers 3 when my phone rang. I was a little upset because I was really into the game and was going as far as to hum along to the music and yell at the screen when those hammer throwing minions moved in an unpredictable fasion. "WHAT THE FUCK!?! YOU DON'T HAVE FREE WILL!!!".

Anyway it was a feeble sounding old lady on the phone who was trapped in her house by the ice. She was damn lucky that the Japanese invented the pause button because if I did not have the ability to return to my game later she would have been left and I would have redoubled my efforts to save that needy whore of a princess.

I walked to the woman's house humming the mario theme. I had a breif conversation about how she was trapped in her house and she was afraid of fire and other things that old people say and I don't actually listen to. I cleared a path to get her out of her house and she seemed grateful so I started walking home.

I made it about two houses down the street when someone started yelling at me from the second floor of their house. Low and behold it was an almost identical old lady who was trapped in her house and afraid of fire other things that I wasn't focused enough to pay attention to. My one year of being a boy scout took over me and I was compelled to do nice things and tie knots but seeing as I can't even tie my shoes right I got the woman out of her house.

Apparently walking down the street with a shovel is dangerous not only because I feel compelled to swing it around but also because feeble old shut-ins see it as an opurtunity to take advantage of kind ,young , stunningly atractive men. I ended up being aproached by five sympathy inspiring old woman on my five hundred foot return journey to my house and they all had the same story "The ice has trapped me in my house and I'm afraid that a fire might start."

Every time that the almost identical old woman said their almost identical plea for help I thought gee this must be what Mario must feel like when he goes out for a jog in the country side and is stopped by eight almost Identical Toadstools to preform eight almost Identical tasks for no gain except to hear "sorry mario the princess is in another castle" or in my case "oh you're such a sweet-heart, God Bless.~shuts her now functional door".

Mystery Banana Thrower

Because of certain haircuts and the all-governing law of the universe that shit roles downhill I spent the last week confined to the cave-like enclosure of my room. This was supposedly a punishment but little to the knowledge of the outside world I had the luck and careful planning to have purchased Mario Kart 64 and enough single serving orange juice and Cheez-it packages to be prepared to live for quite a long period of time in solitude.

Your average human being fears the lack of communication and inevitable constipation which comes from such limited contact with the outside world and such very limited diet. Like large amounts of Opium solitude can lead to that certain kind of Brilliance which is often misinterpreted as madness. Without television, beer or your mom jokes to kill brain cells all of a persons thoughts come out of their mouth which can lead to having a conversation with yourself on subjects that range from the ecological state of china to which one of the Mario Kart characters has gathered the balls to throw that one life-ruining banana into your path and therefore must be killed in the most terrible way possible which includes a hangover and an introduction to Katie Kee… I mean Smith.

Anyway back to the Mystery Banana thrower. As I raced around my favorite Mario Kart course for the seventh or eighth time in a row I was faced with a brilliant opponent who instead of passing me like your average sixty four bit driven mind would, remained always more than one screen length behind me making my life difficult. The schools in a the mushroom kingdom may not have included how to save your own god damn princess in their curriculums but they sure as hell covered banana throwing. The clever bastard who refused to reveal his face would wait until the moment I was just about to make a crucial turn and then, like so many Tom and Jerry cartoons, throw a banana right into my path which would cause me to spin uncontrollably which would send me into the most poorly placed penguin ever which would send me into the freezing water from which I would have to fished out by the bastard who I never got back at for trying to kill me with very sharp turtles in Super Mario Brothers 3. Of coarse had I not panicked I would have been spun comfortably into the finish line and continued with my life. Damn you cat like reflexes, if it weren’t for you I would have won the race, still have a cat and have complete control over both my pinky fingers.

Anyway back to the mystery banana thrower. My first thought was that it had to be that Donkey Kong because it’s a commonly accepted cliché that monkeys like banana but that somehow felt racist of specieist or something but instead of trying to find which prejudice I am I thought of other suspects. The next person to come to mind was Princess Peach, her last name is a fruit and bananas are a fruit… or a vegetable I can’t really tell the difference but anyway it seemed logical that her affiliation with the fruit would give her greater control over it. As it turned out it was Luigi and he’s kind of fruity so I guess it makes sense, I mean what straight male would let his shorter less attractive brother who can’t jump as high(although that’s probably all just in my head) get the girl after putting in half the effort? After several minutes of intense debate over Luigi’s sexual orientation I realized just how loud I was talking to myself and decided to take a poo which just didn’t work out thanks to eating my body weight in cheez-its. I set out to the kitchen with the new goal of eating some fiber.