Mystery Banana Thrower

Because of certain haircuts and the all-governing law of the universe that shit roles downhill I spent the last week confined to the cave-like enclosure of my room. This was supposedly a punishment but little to the knowledge of the outside world I had the luck and careful planning to have purchased Mario Kart 64 and enough single serving orange juice and Cheez-it packages to be prepared to live for quite a long period of time in solitude.

Your average human being fears the lack of communication and inevitable constipation which comes from such limited contact with the outside world and such very limited diet. Like large amounts of Opium solitude can lead to that certain kind of Brilliance which is often misinterpreted as madness. Without television, beer or your mom jokes to kill brain cells all of a persons thoughts come out of their mouth which can lead to having a conversation with yourself on subjects that range from the ecological state of china to which one of the Mario Kart characters has gathered the balls to throw that one life-ruining banana into your path and therefore must be killed in the most terrible way possible which includes a hangover and an introduction to Katie Kee… I mean Smith.

Anyway back to the Mystery Banana thrower. As I raced around my favorite Mario Kart course for the seventh or eighth time in a row I was faced with a brilliant opponent who instead of passing me like your average sixty four bit driven mind would, remained always more than one screen length behind me making my life difficult. The schools in a the mushroom kingdom may not have included how to save your own god damn princess in their curriculums but they sure as hell covered banana throwing. The clever bastard who refused to reveal his face would wait until the moment I was just about to make a crucial turn and then, like so many Tom and Jerry cartoons, throw a banana right into my path which would cause me to spin uncontrollably which would send me into the most poorly placed penguin ever which would send me into the freezing water from which I would have to fished out by the bastard who I never got back at for trying to kill me with very sharp turtles in Super Mario Brothers 3. Of coarse had I not panicked I would have been spun comfortably into the finish line and continued with my life. Damn you cat like reflexes, if it weren’t for you I would have won the race, still have a cat and have complete control over both my pinky fingers.

Anyway back to the mystery banana thrower. My first thought was that it had to be that Donkey Kong because it’s a commonly accepted cliché that monkeys like banana but that somehow felt racist of specieist or something but instead of trying to find which prejudice I am I thought of other suspects. The next person to come to mind was Princess Peach, her last name is a fruit and bananas are a fruit… or a vegetable I can’t really tell the difference but anyway it seemed logical that her affiliation with the fruit would give her greater control over it. As it turned out it was Luigi and he’s kind of fruity so I guess it makes sense, I mean what straight male would let his shorter less attractive brother who can’t jump as high(although that’s probably all just in my head) get the girl after putting in half the effort? After several minutes of intense debate over Luigi’s sexual orientation I realized just how loud I was talking to myself and decided to take a poo which just didn’t work out thanks to eating my body weight in cheez-its. I set out to the kitchen with the new goal of eating some fiber.